The Irony Page

The funny thing is that this is just called the Irony Page.  There's no irony here.  Anyway, what you will find is a selection of satire, self-reference and goofball crap.  All original except where noted, but I owe a lot to www.theonion.com for inspiration.

Q&A

What Happens When We Get Fired?

By M.J. Stephey Thursday, Sep. 18, 2008

John Drysdale / Keystone Features / Getty

At New York's Weill Cornell Medical Center, Dr. Sam Parnia is one of the world's leading experts on getting fired.  He wants to use cutting-edge technology to settle one of the great mysteries of human life:  what happens when we get fired?  He has documented over 500 cases of nearly-fired experiences.  What impresses him the most is the sincerity and even embarrassment these people feel. They are ordinary people who are not seeking notoriety.  They know many ridicule such claims.  Most have doubted their experiences and many keep them to themselves.  But when they do talk about them, striking similarities emerge.  Doubters are apt to say, “We know full well what happens when you get fired.  You get fired.  You’re gone.  Deal with it.  No sense making up some nice story to soften the blow.”  But for anyone who has nearly been fired and returned to talk about it, there’s no question that there’s something “after”.  Dr. Parnia wants to find out.

Do our jobs really just end or do they live on in a realm forever cut off from our awareness?  Is our job somehow filled by another “soul” through a reincarnation-like process?  Do we keep getting paid?  These mysteries are as old as business itself and those who have had a nearly-fired experience may not care what science has to say about it.  They know what they experienced.  But what happens to those who don’t come back?  Dr. Parnia’s patients are the lucky few who nearly lost everything and returned to tell the tale.  Perhaps science can learn something from them.

Bush:  Climate change is now real

WASHINGTON (AP) – Now that there’s a threat to the environment, President Bush is taking action to save it.  Acknowledging that many scientists and concerned citizens have raised the alarm for decades, Bush had this to say:  “I appreciate all the knowledgeable, caring individuals who have expressed concern for the environment.  I’ve been listening to your forecasts.  And my advisors have told me that damage to the environment, similar to what you’ve been forecasting, began last night.  Now that the data is in, now that we know that human activity is affecting the planet, my administration is taking the lead to rectify matters.”  White House spokesman Tony Snow elaborated, “We are lucky to have a president who knows how to prioritize and not waste the country’s time and resources.  President Bush ignored all the environmental warnings while they were false.  And now that they’re true, he’s the first one to take action.  God bless America”.

Many Americans so stupid they believe in ghosts

Dark Ages hang on, Enlightenment not a complete success

Newsweek

Oct. 16, 2006 issue - In the 1990s it was "Touched by an Angel." Then it was John Edward's "Crossing Over." Now it's the increasingly popular "Medium" and "The Ghost Whisperer." Americans have always seemed fascinated by the idea of communicating with spirits in another world. According to a recent study by the Baylor Institute for Studies of Religion, 20 percent of Americans believe that the living can communicate with the dead. In an online survey of 10,000 Beliefnet members, 77 percent said they'd felt the presence of a spirit, angel or dead soul.

It seems the Enlightenment, which advocated Reason as a means to establishing an authoritative system of aesthetics, ethics, government, and logic, which would allow human beings to obtain objective truth about the universe, has its detractors. Despite the obvious disadvantages of irrationality, superstition, and blind faith typical of the Dark Ages and despite the fact that the Enlightenment helped create the intellectual framework for the American and French Revolutions, the Latin American independence movement, classical liberalism and capitalism as well as the high baroque and classical eras in music, and the neo-classical period in the arts, many Americans prefer to think of the world as a woowoo fantasyland populated by unexplained forces and personalities. When asked how his belief in angels fit in with a scientific education, one New Yorker said, “It’s just nice to think there’s a supernatural being looking after me. I don’t really think about how it works.”

Does mystery surround Kim Jong-il?

POSTED: 10:05 a.m. EDT, October 9, 2006

 (CNN) -- For all the attention he is getting, North Korea's Kim Jong-il might be one of the most mysterious leaders in the world.  Or not.  The reclusive communist leader has been portrayed variously as an unstable nuclear-armed madman and a cognac-swilling playboy serviced by a team of women known as the "Joy Brigade."  But how many recluses appear in world headlines regularly?  It is unclear where or when he was born, how many times he has been married or even exactly how many children he has.  But the CIA and Britain’s MI6 each have full-time teams of analysts working year-round to learn what they can about this provocative figure.  All this only serves to deepen the question about whether Kim is mysterious or not.  Perhaps we will never know.

Scientists wonder about remaining items

Institute for the Study of the Unknown proposed

Updated: 2 hours, 43 minutes ago

LONDON – Despite great advances in virtually every area of the physical sciences, scientists still don’t know some things and they need a way to study them.  Stephen Hawking, holder of the Isaac Newton chair at Cambridge, had this to say:  “It is, of course, true that we don’t know everything.  What’s interesting is that we haven’t even tabulated all the things we don’t know.  The recent discovery that the universe’s expansion is accelerating is one example, since we have no idea what powers the expansion.  Confirmation that dark matter constitutes 5 times as much of the universe as ordinary matter means that most of the universe isn’t even made from any of the materials we have studied so far.  We are profoundly ignorant, really.  Now we want to know how ignorant?”  This is the impetus behind the Institute for the Study of the Unknown, to be established in London.  ISU will provide a setting to gather what is known about the unknown, identify its extent and publish journals with the latest data.  It is hoped that a new discipline of agnology will emerge, providing a framework for the study of what we don’t know.

PBS to air controversial Arthur episode, add new Fundamentalist Bigot Pigs show to appease critics.

WASHINGTON (AP) - Officials at PBS have decided to air "Sugartime!", an episode of "Postcards From Buster" which shows the title character, an animated bunny named Buster, on a trip to Vermont, a state known for recognizing same-sex civil unions. The episode features two lesbian couples, although the focus is on farm life and maple sugaring.  PBS had retracted the episode when Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings denounced them for spending public money on a cartoon with lesbian characters, saying many parents would not want children exposed to such lifestyles.  PBS has now decided to air the nettlesome episode but will pair it with a new show, Fundamentalist Bigot Pigs , to reassure critics that left-leaning lifestyles are not the only ones presented in their programming.

The initial episode of Fundamentalist Bigot Pigs will portray a family of conservative, well-to-do pigs going about their daily life and sharing family adventures.  The show features white, Christian, heterosexual, married pigs who are well connected.  There will be a decided lack of cultural diversity presented and a clear preference for Christian beliefs will prevail.  In the first episode, Father Pig is named in a sexual harrassment lawsuit at his job, making mud puddles down on the farm.

"Ultimately, our decision was based on the fact that we recognize this is a sensitive issue, and we wanted to make sure that parents had an opportunity to introduce these subjects to their children in their own time," said Lea Sloan, vice president of media relations at PBS.  "The choice whether to accept people or be a bigot is one that all our children face.  We want them to be prepared."

Scientists discover gorillas studying humans.

In research both revealing and embarrassing, primatologists have found that their own research into the private lives of lowland gorillas appears to have been arranged by the gorillas themselves.  Margaret Slenstone of the University of Adelaide had this to say:  "It turns out the gorillas have been interested in us for years, but thought that we thought they didn't trust us.  So, they apparently reasoned that the best way to gain trust is to get the other animal to seek to gain yours.  We fell for it and have been doing exactly that for 40 years, thinking we were studying them.  All the while we were inching along trying to get close to them, they were acting aloof and directing the entire process."  The findings raced through the scientific community, forcing researchers to determine if they were being studied by their subjects as well. 

Heated debate continues over partisan rancor

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) -- Decorum was lost on the Senate floor Wednesday, as Republicans blasted Democrats for characterizing Senate proceedings as 'partisan rancor'.  Before the day's session closed, Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Massachusetts, said that "Republican Senators hobble our progress by continuing their partisan rancor.  They're too concerned with who's a Democrat and who's a Republican.  Let's do some good, damn it, and forget about politics once in awhile."  Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pennsylvania, wasted no time in shooting back at the veteran Democrat:  "I boil over when extremists like Senator Kennedy label our proceedings 'rancorous'.  The Labelers and their Radical, Leftist rhetoric only stir the pot.  It's un-American and destroys our unity."  Kennedy responded, "The Senate is too rancorous!  The Republicans' divisiveness is killing America.  As uniters, we must fight them to the end.  Republicans who label Democrats are Polarizers."

Bush threatens to warn Iran about nuclear program

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) -- In his most stinging remarks to date, president Bush said yesterday that unless Iran disbands its nuclear program and admits IAEA inspectors, he will warn them about it.  "The time for talk is over.  They have to understand that we're not going to stand by and allow them to develop nuclear weapons without threatening them.  Unless verifiable compliance with UN resolutions is achieved, the US will object and issue a very strong warning to them."

In related developments, Bush revived his "Axis of Evil" slogan by expanding it to include France, China, Russia, India and every nuclear power except Great Britain.  "They're all against us.  And if you're not with us, you're against us", he said.  He continued, surprising the world with a warning to Tony Blair:  "Don't think just because we're friends now that you're safe.  If I ever find out that you aren't totally in support of my policies, you're on the Axis of Evil list, too."  Even close supporters of the president were alarmed at his new tone.  Karl Rove, chief architect of Bush's winning campaign strategy, said, "Crap, he's gone overboard.  He takes everything I say way too seriously."

Satirists of Intelligent Design chagrined to learn it was all a joke.

OLATHE, KANSAS (AP) -- Satirists and editorial cartoonists across America were humiliated yesterday when the Kansas Board of Education revealed that its now-famous push to include "Intelligent Design" in the school curriculum was a prank.  "They totally fell for it.  That was so great.  There MUST be a God!", chortled John Bacon of Kansas' 3rd District.  The ruse ranks as one of the longest-running gags in Kansas history, turning the tables on countless liberal and separation-of-church-and-state activists who spent much of the last 2 years skewering the Kansas Board of Education for its "unscientific" inclusion of "faith-based knowledge" in its public schools.  "This just shows how ready the godless Left is to pounce on anything that has anything to do with religion", Carol Rupe, representing District 8, said.  "They hate God, they kill babies, they worship only their perverted lifestyles and they won't rest until we live in an atheistic society. KIDDING!!!", Ms. Rupe riffed, laughing heartily.

Bobby Henderson, guru of the satirical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, runs a website (http://www.venganza.org/) lampooning the Kansas School Board.  He sent them an open letter requesting that his "religion", Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, be included in the curriculum along with Intelligent Design and evolution.  When reached for comment, Henderson said, "Whoa, that is hilarious.  I didn't think they had it in them.  They're funnier than I thought.  I'll kind of miss them.  ID was such an easy thing to make fun of."

Administration braces for storm of public outrage in Rita's aftermath

President Bush says government is 'ready for the worst'

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Still smarting from being surprised at the public pounding he got for his response to Hurricane Katrina, President Bush pledged on Wednesday to be "ready for the worst" when outraged victims lash out at the federal government after hurricane Rita devastates the Gulf Coast.   "We won't be fooled again", Bush deadpanned to reporters in the Rose Garden yesterday.  "We were caught off guard at how upset people were when the federal government let them down after Katrina.  Not this time.  This time, when relief efforts fail, we're ready.  Listen, we've made people mad before.  We'll get through this, and we'll be stronger for it.  God bless America."

I don't take responsibility often enough, says Bush.

But claims he's not to blame for that.

14.09.05 1.00pm

WASHINGTON, DC - President George W. Bush has for the first time acknowledged he has avoided taking responsibility for things, but blames political realities for making that necessary. In brief comments at yesterday's White House press conference, Bush admitted that many things for which he had not previously taken responsibility were, in fact, all his fault, but declined to accept blame for not taking responsibility. "I've always avoided admitting I've made a mistake. But, you have to understand, these are complex issues with a lot of players and I'm under a lot of pressure to look presidential so it's really easy to spread the blame around. So it's not really all my fault that I don't take responsibility enough, it's just the nature of the thing. But since I'm the president, it does all come back to me, but sometimes I deny responsibility, and that's not my fault."

When pressed for specifics by the White House Press Corps, he said, "I don't want to address actual issues, but certainly any errors resulting from actions that only a commander-in-chief can take, would, naturally, be my fault, even though I may deny it at the time." When asked if the devastation of Iraq falls into that category, Bush winked and said, "Absolutely not."

Poll: Views of Bush's Iraq rating at low point

Friday, August 5, 2005; Posted: 9:49 a.m. EDT (13:49 GMT) Americans put less stock in Bush's rating on Iraq than they used to.  At this time last year, 54% of those polled thought that the rating was meaningful, compared to 43% today.  (A poll to gauge the usefulness of the present poll is under way.  Results will be published next week.)       

September 15th, 2005 9:38 am
'Peace Mom' off mark, 'war mom' says

Bush supporter Debby Arlowe has begun a vigil vigil outside Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas.  She intends to remain in support outside his residence until Cindy Sheehan ends her peace vigil, now in its 6th week.  "I'm a war mom, not a peace mom.  I support our troops and I want them to stay in Iraq, not come home.  I'm not going anywhere until Cindy Sheehan stops dishonoring our soldiers by insisting that they come home before the job is done, or they die, whichever comes first. These vigils must stop, and I’m not leaving until they do.”

Increase in mysteries baffles scientists

Thursday, September 8, 2005; Posted: 7:02 a.m. EDT (11:02 GMT)

Recent findings indicate that mysterious occurrences are on the rise, much to the consternation of researchers.  Bernard Haisch, chief scientist at NASA's physics research labs, said, "We're used to mysteries.  We're scientists and we investigate phenomena and seek explanations.  This is no different.  Data indicates that there are more mysteries than ever before and we want to know why."  Other sources were not so detached.  One area man was quoted as saying, "Hey, what's going on here?   This is freaking me out.  If this continues, we won't know anything." 

Activists switch places when Bush praises, then condemns, criticism of Jackson's objection to Farrakhan's agreement with Fox's comment

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin (AP) -- President Bush has spoken out against detractors of Rev. Jesse Jackson who criticized him for repudiating Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan for saying that Mexican President Vicente Fox was right to say that Mexican immigrants take jobs "that not even blacks want."  Although Bush initially criticized Jackson, he reversed his position when the issue was explained to him.  Outside the White House, those protesting Bush's initial reaction dispersed almost immediately and were replaced by activists protesting the new position.  Nearby, a group demanding an end to all protests continued their vigil.

(AP)  12 Sep, 2005:  New method for achieving breakthroughs promises to revolutionize research.

Forecasts regarding number of economists predicting gasoline prices after hurricane Katrina would be lower than expected lower than expected.

Nation's Alarm Level Viewed with Alarm

WASHINGTON, DC—A new study from the Bureau of Internal Affairs shows that the multiply-averaged Alarm Level Index (ALI) has risen faster than the actual risks would warrant.  The ALI was established in 1933 during the Great Depression to track the fears of the populace and was initially set to 1.0.  It was dubbed the Worry Meter by pundits and widely ignored.  In 1993, however, it resurfaced when a Washington Post reporter ran across a copy of the obscure ALI annual report and found that the index was 1145.  In other words, people were 1,145 times more afraid than they were during the Great Depression.  The index is currently at 2877.  This has led analysts to wonder what people are so afraid of.  The BIA study showed that the combined effects of inflation, war, terrorism and disease (compared with 1933) would normally result in an ALI index of 1.4.  The remaining discrepancy of 2875.6 is unaccounted for, but many causes, such as Good Morning America and mass neurosis, are thought to be contributing factors.

Want to know how to make a good recipe? Make a list of readily-available ingredients.  Give precise, clear directions on how to prepare and combine them.  Make sure that the entire project can be completed in a realistic time frame.  And ensure that, when followed, your recipe results in a delicious end product!

He had hands like two refrigerator doors... His eyes smelled like freshly crushed cranberries. There was a familiarity about him I had never experienced before.

My wife wants me to take a stand sometimes, but I refuse to be stubborn.

In a series of experiments that are the most sensitive performed to date, scientists from every discipline have confirmed that, in certain extreme conditions, every little bit does not count.  this finding is significant both for its rebuttal of conventional wisdom and because of the unprecedented cooperation of researchers across every field.  Specialists from physics, economics, biology, taxidermy, lexicography, numismatics, cosmetics, ethnomusicology, zoo management, food chemistry, agrigenetics, marketing and geology, as well as every other field, participated.

when i was young, i blithely thought i could never be naive about anything.  how wrong i was.  how wrong i was.  naiveté is cunning.  it sneaks up on you like a secretly affectionate salesman wanting to smell your hair.

I was going to stop watching the news, but I've stopped giving things up. 

In a move at once draconian and ironic, the FBI recently arrested 41 whistleblowers in raids across the country.  Despite their courage and the invaluable information they provided to law enforcement, the FBI alleges these 41 people broke laws while doing so.  In most cases, their coworkers turned them in.

I'm in favor of reform, but not in the manner reforms are currently being carried out.  The current system of reform is hopelessly outdated and irrelevant.  It is in drastic need of revision before it can once more be a viable vehicle of change.  I am therefore proposing that a program be instituted to develop and implement a new system of reform that can serve us in the coming century.  I know there are reformers who will resist this change, who will prefer to keep changing things the old way, but this is a necessary step if we are to continue reforming things in a changing world. 

Knowledge is antithetical to discovery.  If you know, then you can't know anything new.  Wait, I wonder if that's true......

sometimes i dream about what it would be like if you had more time to think about spending more time fantasizing.

This sentence is not about itself, but about whether it is about itself.  (from http://www2.vo.lu/homepages/phahn/humor/self_ref.htm)

Now, a few comments from Oscar Wilde:

I can resist anything but temptation.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.  (So true.)

And these.  Ironies, self-negating, self-referencing?  You decide:

Looks can be deceiving, but sometimes they just look deceiving.

I'm tired of variety.  Let's have the same thing every day for a change.

We used to have a change of pace every hour, but that got monotonous.  Now, we change pace every 2 hours.

He's only pretending to be faking.

I’d guess that my estimates are right about 50% of the time.

I was just wondering, if I were to ask, would you answer a hypothetical question?

Did you notice how observant that guy is?

People are always projecting.  This can only lead to trouble.

I just heard someone say “that’s debatable”.  I’m not so sure about that.

Did you hear all the hubbub about whether the voting in American Idol was controversial or not?

Ha, guess I turned the tables on you, didn’t I?  And you’re usually the one turning the tables on me.

I used to go through phases, but I grew out of it.

I'm far less competitive than you are.

You compare yourself to others way more than I do. 

I used to be an all-or-nothing person but I quit completely.  Now I’m never all-or-nothing about anything.

I can never tell if something is ambiguous or not.

Demonizers are evil, loathsome people who cause all our troubles.

I think it’s going to be a good year for predictions.

I don’t really like preferences.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I don’t care if I’m apathetic.  I mean, what’s the big deal?

Everyone knows that guy can earn a reputation faster than anyone.

I intend to set 3 goals by the end of March. That’s one, 2 to go.

It’s important to be sincere, even when you don’t feel like it.

I usually run things by people before I make decisions. Do you think that’s a good idea?

What exactly do you want me to be more specific about?

I’m prone to having tendencies.

It’s not that easy to tell when harbingers are coming.

He's the guy who got me started being influenced by things.

My love of irony always gets me into trouble.